|
After years of avoiding it, I finally joined MySpace. I always used to denigrate
it as a lazy form of social prostitution and pretentious mingling with idiots and scenesters. "Oh,
hey, I saw you listed the Shins as one of your favorite bands!" Little did I know that
this perceived weakness was, all along, its greatest strength!
Well, its second greatest strength. Pretenstitution takes a back seat to MySpace's hands-down
finest feature: COOL NEW PEOPLE. Like a banner ad, three newly signed-up users are displayed,
seemingly randomly, on every page to get them a few friends as they're starting out. But as it turns
out, there is nothing random about it. Every now and then, some hapless newbie will wind
up in massive rotation, appearing repeatedly on Cool New People until everyone on MySpace has seen
them and requested them as a friend.
I was one such Cool New Person. People I actually know in real life reported seeing my face pop up time and
again. I even appeared under my own Cool New People section. In a span of maybe five days,
I received over 2,000 friend requests
and countless messages from people saying things like, "Oh you like the Beatles too!!" Great.
To attempt to re-create the experience, here are a few of my favorite messages...
- "Your profile pic reminded me of the ocean-- which reminds me of summer and vacation-- which made me happy, which i need becasue i just lost everything in a big nasty flood-- SO-- can I be friends with you? I'm sure you have lots of qualities I would also enjoy besides ability to take a good pic but at this moment-- i would just like to enjoy your pretty blue backround..."
- "hey, no offense, but i dont like your name. im sure ur a great guy but my birth father was named geoff so it freaks me out a little because of some stuff he used to do. love u anywayz!!"
- "am anita,am from nigeria and will like to make friend wit u.....so that i can share my tought and my view wit u...i will be glad to hear from you as soon as you get this message...."
- "hi there, can u add meh? im ian from the philippines.here's my add, yannah_be@yahoo.com. please.... thanks... "
- "look at my pics, cool hat, can i borrow it? no. i know huh goodbye "
- "hey geoff this is adam from sixth grade... remember me. sorry i dont have a real pic of me but it is me. w/b" [editor's note: there was no one named Adam in my sixth grade class]
- "hey just wantes to tell you that ur damn cutee... lol although i know im not the only one that has said that to you.. ur probably used to it.." [editor's note: yes, i am]
- "yoh! that's a cool picture... no, this is not a gay advance... i just like cool pictures. be cool, cousin... samax. www.samaxAmen.com"
- "I saw your profile and instantly thought of my friend michelle. I think you guys would be quite a pair. She loves to bake, and she makes fabulous dinners. She also brews her own beers. She's 20 years old. She is the one in the picture with me. with the reddish blonde hair. Wanna give it a go?"
- "I think it's time I say hi and hello to you since I feel like I already know you. You've popped up on my COOL NEW PEOPLE list about half-dozen times today. You're in massive circulation!"
- "how big is tempe? you know hank?" [editor's note: this one's my favorite]
- "I like your pics. Did you have fun in San Francisco? My daddy lives there. I heard on the news this morning, someone threw some children in the bay. What the hell. That's messed up. Your body can only survive for like 3 minutes in the bay." [editor's note: nevermind, this one's my favorite]
|
|
